the bechdel test & the bible

(sermon preached at St. Andrew’s by-the-Sea, 22 December 2024 – Advent VII)

If you are a movie buff, you may be familiar with the Bechdel Test. The idea for this test originated from a cartoon strip published in 1985 by cartoonist Alison Bechdel. 

In the cartoon, two women are going to see a movie. One says to the other – I’ll only see a movie if it satisfies three basic requirements. 

One – it has to have at least two women in it, who – two – talk to each other about – three – something other than a man.

Finding no movies in the theater that pass the test, the two women decide to go home.

These three requirements, published as a joke in a queer feminist newspaper, have taken on a life of their own as the Bechdel Test. You can go to bechdeltest.com to see a list of over ten thousand movies, with a little green check next to the ones that pass the test, and a red x next to the ones that don’t.

Looking through the list of more recent movies, you probably won’t be surprised – Barbie passes, as does the new Wicked movie. The new Deadpool movie does not pass, neither does Oppenheimer, the newest Indiana Jones movie, or the Elvis movie from 2023. 

Of course this test does not determine the overall quality of a movie, or whether it’s a story worth telling. 

Its purpose is to point out a systemic truth that is easy to miss – women historically are portrayed in fiction as flat, one-dimensional characters, who primarily function in their relationship to men.

One of the funniest results of the Bechdel Test is a clip you can find on YouTube that has all the moments in every single Lord of the Rings movie that has two women who talk to each other about something other than a man.

That’s a total of 9 hours and 18 minutes of movie, and do you want to know how much of that movie passes the Bechdel test? It’s a clip about two seconds long of a young unnamed girl saying to a woman – where is mama? and the woman shushing the girl.

That’s it. Over nine hours of movie, and that’s it. Now of course, we could have a whole conversation about why that is, or argue about how Lord of the Rings is still a story worth telling, and I’m not disagreeing with that. 

But this little test, these three little requirements, speak volumes about a piece of writing or film. It speaks volumes about women, about how they are viewed primarily – sometimes solely – in terms of their relationship to men. 

They are not people with complex inner lives and ideas and struggles – they are daughters, wives, mothers – people who matter only in their relation to men; people whose stories lie flat on the page.

In A Room of One’s Own, Virginia Woolf reflects on the portrayal of women in fiction. In 1929 she wrote, “all these relationships between women…are too simple. And I tried to remember any case in the course of my reading where two women are represented as friends. They are now and then mothers and daughters. But almost without exception they are shown in their relation to men. It was strange to think that all the great women of fiction were, until Jane Austen’s day, not only seen by the other sex, but seen only in relation to the other sex. And how small a part of a woman’s life is that.”

Almost one hundred years ago Virginia Woolf noticed this pattern, and we continue to see it today. 

And it’s important to bring our attention to this – what stories are our children growing up with? What unspoken directives are they being taught by the culture they’re surrounded with?

We must bring these same questions to the stories we tell our children in church; we must bring these same questions to the stories we revere as holy, important enough to be passed down over thousands of years, the ancient stories that still are alive today in our Christian community.

And so, as Carrie Bradshaw did before me, I wondered – does the Bible pass the Bechdel test? 

I did a little digging, and – to no one’s surprise – there are very few stories in the Bible of two women talking to each other about something other than a man. 

In the book of Exodus, Miriam leads the victory song after the Hebrews escape Egypt. 

The book of Ruth passes the test, but just barely – most of the conversation between the two protagonists, Naomi and Ruth, are about securing their safety by finding a husband. A notable exception is Ruth’s passionate promise to Naomi – where you go I will go, where you stay I will stay, your people will be my people and your God will be my God. A famous verse often used in weddings, although many people don’t know this vow was uttered not between a husband and wife, but between two women who commit their lives to each other.

Flipping to the New Testament, there’s a moment in the gospel of Mark when the women have come to tend to Jesus’s body after his death and they murmur to one another, “who shall roll the stone away?” Not quite a conversation, and technically about Jesus, a man, so that one’s flimsy.

And then, we have our gospel story for today – the meeting of Mary and Elizabeth, this moment of rejoicing and prophetic power, a tender and cosmically important moment shared between two women.

The Rev’d Sarah West | visiolectio.com

How precious is this moment, then, with these two women – who have names, who are quoted in scripture, who are talking to each other about world-changing ideas?

These women – Elizabeth and Mary – they stand out in the legacy of scripture, and we get a peek into their inner lives in ways we don’t with any other female characters. 

And while Mary’s song – commonly called the magnificat – is very well-known, I think it’s less well-known that she sings it in the presence of Elizabeth, in the presence of another woman who is also experiencing a pregnancy outside of the norm, another woman who is doing the deep work of bringing about God’s liberation.

You may say – these two women are talking about their pregnancies, so does this really pass the Bechdel test? 

But just listen to Mary’s song – here stand two women, one too old to have children and the other unmarried – boldly prophesying about the day when the mighty will be cast down from their thrones and the hungry will be satiated. 

Just listen to Mary’s song of resistance sung over these two unborn children, who grow up to be John the Baptist and Jesus of Nazareth, teachers and prophets who call out the hypocrisy of the world and whose Way of Love is a threat to those in power.

Think of how subversive this moment is, how subversive each of these women’s stories is. Elizabeth, past the age of fertility, already gone through menopause, and hasn’t been able to bear children (which, of course, was the one job women had at the time, the one thing that gave them worth). An angel visits her and tells her she will bear a son, and when her husband Zechariah doesn’t believe it – he is unable to speak for the duration of her pregnancy. 

This is some cosmic humor – a man silenced throughout his wife’s pregnancy. In a world in which the voice of men was of infinite more worth than the words of women, I love that the action of God was to silence Zechariah. 

What was Elizabeth able to say, I wonder, that she now had space to speak? In the story of the conception and birth of John the Baptist, it’s clear that Elizabeth is the faithful one, the one who understands the call from God and is the most important part of the story. 

It subverts typical gender roles, and puts her in a position of power.

And then there’s Mary’s pregnancy, the virgin birth, a conception that – somehow – had nothing to do with Joseph.

Whatever you do or don’t believe about the virginity of Mary, it’s obviously radically different from the typical pattern. Somehow the birth of God into the world through the body of a woman had nothing to do with the agency of a man – and how subversive is that? 

It’s clear that in God’s story, it is the outcasts, the women, the foreigners who pass down the subversive message of God’s Love. It often subverts traditional gender roles, often prioritizing the voice of the widow, the child, the eunuch. If we read even a little bit between the lines in the Bible, we will uncover a wealth of powerful women whose conversations with other women may not be recorded, but whose lives speak loudly.

Ruth, Naomi, Deborah, Jael, Elizabeth, Mary – these are just a few of the women of the Bible who embody the radical message of God’s Love that has the power to overthrow oppressive systems for the sake of liberation. 

Listen to Mary’s song, listen as she speaks into existence the radical overturn of the systems of the world. Listen as she sings her song of resistance to her friend Elizabeth, over their unborn children who grow up to change the world. 

Listen for fragments of Mary’s song in John the Baptist’s teaching. Repent – he says – you brood of vipers, who take advantage of people for your own gain. Repent – turn back to the truth that we belong to each other, that every life is of infinite worth.

Listen for echoes of Mary’s song in the teaching of Jesus, in his very life, in his death.

Listen closely and you will hear the magnificat woven throughout Jesus’s life, and you will realize that the radical message of God’s Love has always been passed down by women, prostitutes, widows, the poor.

This is the legacy into which we are baptized:

This promise that even though the systems of the world are loud and seem all-powerful, Love actually is the truth; Love will have the last word; self-giving Love is the most powerful force in the universe.

Thank God for this story that passes the Bechdel test – for these two women whose subversive, strange pregnancies bypass the dependence on men.

Thank God for these women, who are the main characters of their own stories.

Thank God for the songs of resistance they sing to each other, for the lullabies their children grow up to embody.

Thank God for a radical, subversive Love into which we are baptized; a radical, subversive Love after which we pattern our lives – 

a radical, subversive Love that has the potential to change the world.

in utero

The season of Advent is wrapping up. Yesterday was the final Sunday of Advent, and we heard the famous song that Jesus’s mother Mary sings, before he is even born.

The Christ child still in utero, still gestating, still surviving off holy amniotic fluid, wrapped in the sacred womb of Mary.

I know it’s easy to skip forward to Christmas – there’s so much to do, so much to plan – and the twinkling of Christmas eve is much shinier than the slow burn of Advent.

But Christ is still in utero – still not-yet-born, still forming.

We struggle to stay in this stage, when things are unclear and we can’t quite make out what is coming next.

I remember being pregnant and holding the tension of the closeness of my child in my body, but also how far away he felt – I couldn’t see him, couldn’t touch him, even though we were one.

It took the violent moment of birth for me to know him, hold him, smell him, and those months of bearing our children felt long, endless. Did Mary feel that, too? Did she worry about the baby growing in her womb, place a hand on her belly hoping to feel the baby kick?

In my own life, so many things are still in utero. My family is preparing for a huge move back to my hometown of Kansas City. We are packing our things in boxes, dropping our kids off at school for the last time, saying emotional goodbyes.

What will come next? We don’t exactly know. The date of our move, I think it might feel like a violent birth, a painful tearing away from this place and these people we love so much. Right now we’re in utero, still wondering who we will be in that next stage of our lives. So much is still unknown, still forming in the darkness. It’s messy, a time of great uncertainty.

What is certain is that during this time of pregnancy – for my family, for whatever is still in utero in your life – God is a mother singing songs over her growing belly. She sings a lullaby, just as Mary sang while carrying the Christ child in her womb:

“You, God, have shown strength with your arm; you have scattered the proud in their conceit; you have deposed the mighty from their thrones and raised the lowly to high places. You have filled the hungry with good things, while you have sent the rich away empty. You have come to the aid of Israel your servant, mindful of your mercy – the promise you made to our ancestors – to Sarah and Abraham and their descendants forever.”

When things are forming, and unknown, and in utero – never forget that God is humming a lullaby, a prophecy, of what will come. Never forget that God’s dream for you, for me, for us, is a vision of a world where all are fed, all are provided for. God’s vision for us is never singular – it is always caught up in the living-out of the kingdom of God, always entwined with the birth of the Beloved Community.

Right now, things may feel tenuous, hanging by a thread. What will change? What will stay the same? What can I count on, as things shift and realign?

Count on this – as you grow in the darkness, as whatever is taking form in you is knit together, God is whispering a subversive lullaby over you. It’s a lullaby that sounds a lot like an old spiritual hymn, a song that comes from the chest and makes you want to dance, a song about freedom and fullness and faith.

lessons in non-attachment

This has been a week of loss in our household.

Not big losses, in the grand scheme of things.

But still, it has been a week of loss.

A week ago, our youngest fell off the bed when we were up at Camp Stevens for our parish retreat. We found out Thursday that his bone was indeed fractured, and he got a hard cast put on his left arm.

Also on Thursday, we took both our kids to the Ear Nose and Throat doctor, who said they both need surgery to remove their tonsils and adenoids.

On Monday, we realized we had lost our oldest son’s beloved stuffy that he has carried everywhere with him since he was born, and still haven’t found it.

And then, Friday I realized I’d lost my wallet. 

You see – nothing huge; all small inconveniences that can be handled. We have a plan for the health issues, the surgeries are common and no big deal, I’ve canceled my debit card and will go to the DMV this week to get a replacement driver’s license.

People deal with bigger losses than these. I have dealt with bigger losses than these. 

But the emotional weight of the week has been heavy. And telling myself that other people suffer more, or that these losses aren’t really that big of a deal – just isn’t working. I feel bereft, adrift on an ocean of loss. 

Like despite my best efforts – and truly, I am trying my best – I can’t keep track of anything important. 

Like it’s just one thing on top of another: so many doctor’s appointments, and sick kids, and now we have to keep his cast from getting wet for three weeks, and how are we going to keep him from climbing, and then I remember that we can’t find the beloved stuffy and this bottomless pit of despair opens up in me.

None of these are huge losses, and yet I have felt paralyzed by loss this week.

I had a moment this week when I wondered – what am I supposed to be learning here? Is all of this a lesson in non-attachment?

And then I read our this passage from the gospel of Mark: Jesus said, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake, and for the sake of the gospel, will save it.”

Lose your life and you will save it; save your life and you will lose it. 

Growing up, I always thought this statement from Jesus was more of a directive – an instruction to give up physical things in order to gain spiritual things. Deny yourself, take up your cross, follow me.

Those all seem like things I can do, right? Deny myself, take up suffering, make choices to follow Jesus.

Losing my life seemed to be about rejecting parts of myself that were not good, not pure, not spiritual, so that there would be more room in my life for Jesus, more room for godly things.

Sweep out the corners where the worldly desires lurk, so that the light can shine. 

Losing my life seemed like something I had control over, like I could decide to put down my selfishness and sinfulness and brokenness and leave it behind somehow.

Like I had a choice in the matter.

But this story sounds different if you’ve ever actually lost your life, if your life actually has fallen apart – through grief, or trauma, or sickness, or any number or things outside of your control.

What is it like to hear Jesus talk about lost life when you are in a season of loss? What does it mean to save your life, when it feels like everything is lost?

What if Jesus’s words are less of a command or an instruction manual on how to make ourselves more right, and more of a mirror we can look into when everything feels lost?

In my experience, the kind of lost life that Jesus is talking about here never comes when we want it to. It doesn’t happen by choice, or by our own design. It happens to us.

We lose our life when things fall apart, when despite our best efforts we can’t keep it all together, when we realize that the life we have isn’t worth saving.

What if what Jesus is offering isn’t a list of tasks – take up your cross, deny yourself, lose your life – but the promise that when life is lost, there is still more to come?

And he doesn’t just offer this to us in a pithy phrase: save your life to lose it, lose your life to save it – he offers it to us with his very life.

Jesus’s own life is the promise – that suffering will come, that rejection will come, that death will come and that there is life on the other side of it.

We don’t put our faith in the words Jesus said – he wasn’t just a profound teacher. No – his own body is the promise that through suffering, through loss, comes new life. 

This is the body of Christ that we are baptized into, as we drown beneath the water and come up on the other side. Our hope is not in Jesus’s teachings but in his very life, this mystical and yet earthy reality that we participate in.

And maybe, just maybe, this will give us enough hope to peek into the bottomless pit of despair in us, when all is lost. 

And maybe we’ll realize that it’s not a bottomless pit after all – it’s a tunnel, with light at the other side.

This week of little losses in my life has felt insurmountable, each loss piling on the one before like a little mound of crumbling sand. I’ve found myself saying – I can’t do this. I can’t go on. 

Each loss touches bigger losses in me, each small grief or worry touches a deeper grief – we’ve lost our oldest son’s beloved stuffy, and haven’t I also lost his babyhood? He’s in first grade now, and he’ll never fit in my arms again the way he used to. All the griefs of parenthood seem to be wrapped up in the loss of this stuffed animal, and it’s too much to look at.

A voice says to me – what a silly thing, to weep over a lost toy.

But a wiser voice in me knows that every loss, no matter how small, has the potential to rip us to shreds. We are fragile, we humans, our hearts just soft tissue beating by some magic of blood and Spirit, and we have to hold onto our lives for dear life or else who knows what could happen?

Everything we hold on will fall away; big and small, important or seemingly unimportant, and when they do, what will be left of us?

Whether you are drowning in loss, or your grip on life feels firm, Jesus’s message is the same: suffering will come. And his very life is the answer: that there is new life on the other side.

purity culture survivor

When we’re reading the Bible, there is often a Big Hairy word that sticks out. Like a flashing neon sign outside a cheap hotel window – you can’t look away from it, and it keeps you up at night.

That word for me in this gospel reading is: defiled. 

Defiled hands, defiled hearts, defiled people.

I don’t like this word. I cringe from it, and would like to turn the page and move on.

So many people bristle when religion comes up in conversation because – while it’s not usually the stated topic – underneath so many faith conversations is the idea that people are bad, defiled, impure, sinful. No one wants to hear that about themselves, right? 

And yet the idea that people are inherently bad – defiled from the moment we’re born – is the cornerstone of most pop Christian theology, or what most people in the public think Christians believe. Without the teaching that humans are inherently bad, what use is there for a perfect – undefiled – God/human savior whose death pays the price for the humans’ sinful ways?

Growing up as a teenager in the evangelical Christian world, I got this message loud and clear. Just last night, I went through some of my journals from that time of my life. It’s pretty remarkable, having these diaries, these time capsules that preserved what I was thinking and learning and worrying about at all these different moments of my life. 

I felt like a forensic detective, with my post-it notes at the ready, marking passages that had to do with purity, with defilement. 

And let me tell you, there were a lot of pages to mark.

As a teenage girl in this particular brand of Christianity, I got the message loud and clear that there were certain things I could do that would make me defiled. You see, it’s a Big Hairy word for me, because it pokes at this tender part of me that was told my own desires and wants made me defiled. 

Unclean. Impure. Dirty. 

I wonder if you have been taught something similar. I wonder if religion has been used at some point in your life to make you feel ashamed for who you are, or what you want, or who you love.

This idea of purity is a core issue that gets to something at the heart of religion. We see it in our gospel reading today: the Pharisees – members of a sect of Judaism – saw that Jesus’s followers – who were practicing a slightly different flavor of Judaism – had not performed the necessary ritual cleansings before eating.

How could this teacher, this rabbi, be a faithful leader if he didn’t maintain the purity codes? Isn’t religion about making ourselves clean, right, and good?

But is that what religion is for? At the beginning of the service today, in our opening prayer, we asked God to “increase in us true religion,” and I love the idea that there is such a thing. It implies that there is such a thing as false religion, too.

What is true religion? The word itself – religion – means to bring back together what has become separate, re – ligion, like re – ligament, knit back together.

And my experience of religion as a young adult, while it felt like true religion at the time, actually caused more separation than connection. Especially, a separation between my spirit and my body, through vilifying my body’s desires.

Is religion about policing our desires so that our lives – our behaviors, our thoughts, our impulses – are forced into a small box of what qualifies as good and pure?

It doesn’t seem like that’s what Jesus thinks true religion is about.

As he so often does, Jesus takes the nice neat categories of good and bad, right and wrong and blows our human-constructed understandings out of the water. Jesus calls the people back to the heart of the matter – that purity laws were meant to keep the community safe, meant to be guidelines for how to live together, meant to foster human flourishing. “In vain do they worship me,” Jesus quotes from Isaiah, “teaching human precepts as doctrines.”

Now it would be easy to take a story like this and say – Jesus came to throw out the old purity laws that the Jewish people had been following for generations. But it’s clear from scripture that Jesus did not come to abolish the law, but to fulfill it.

Jesus continually pointed people back to the heart of the law, showing them the hypocrisy that comes when we worship rules instead of God. Jesus seems to say – even religious rules, rules that come from God or are designed to bring us closer to God – even those rules don’t take the place of true religion, of human connection, of freedom.

True religion has more to do with the state of our hearts, with the continual work of aligning our lives with our values, with our relationships with one another.

I remember one day at the Christian camp I attended as a high schooler, during one of the many “purity talks.” The camp director was telling a story about a young adult who applied to be a camp counselor. On the application form, you had to check that you followed all these rules – that you believed certain things, abstained from certain things. 

And one of the boxes you had to check was that you did not engage in sex outside of marriage.

The camp director told us that he interviewed a young person who didn’t check that box – she said she was in a loving, committed relationship, and she pointed to a verse from the first letter to Peter: “love covers a multitude of sins.” 

The camp director laughed, as if this young woman’s interpretation of that verse was insane. We all laughed, a bunch of teenagers brainwashed into thinking that the Bible has clear precepts about sex and sexuality (it doesn’t). In that moment, we were told specifically that love – respect – relationship – does not come before this supposedly clear list of rules.

I was taught that letting love be our guide would lead us to defilement; letting shame guide our choices would lead us to purity, to holiness.

I was taught that letting love be our guide would lead us to defilement; letting shame guide our choices would lead us to purity, to holiness.

And so here I am, two decades later, still pulling apart those threads of shame, still feeling tender when I read the word defiled in scripture.

That is evidence of false religion. 

That’s what I’m doing as I read my old journals – I’m searching for evidence that I’m not crazy, people really did say that to me – and my continuing struggle to feel good enough for God is rooted in a theology that truly isn’t biblical.

Because – did you catch the first reading today, from the Song of Solomon? Do you know about this book of the Bible? Do you know that there is an erotic love poem right there, in the Hebrew Bible, a book that some rabbis have called the holiest book of scripture?

This spring, I read through this sacred text with a group of women, and we blushed as we read it. 

The Song of Solomon – sometimes called the Song of Songs – reads like a dialogue between two lovers. Throughout the poem they describe each other using evocative imagery, and describe their intense desire for each other.

It is a celebration of sensuality, of desire, and even pleasure. Nowhere does it say: this poem describes the intimacy of two married people! The idea that the Bible is clear about purity, about sex, about relationships, is just not true.

Jesus brings the people back, over and over again, to the heart of the matter. He doesn’t let us off the hook – there is evil, he says, but its fruit can be seen in the ways we hurt one another: in violence in relationships, and dishonesty, and pride.

How much different would my own self worth be today if I had come of age in a Christian community that understood relationships as holy when they are respectful and consensual and loving, instead of the harsh teaching I received that my body’s normal desires and impulses would lead me away from God and into eternal darkness?

Religion has been used to police bodies – particularly women’s bodies – for so long. And yet, I believe wholeheartedly that right there in our sacred texts there is an ethic of pleasure, a hallowing of the body that has the potential to set us free.

At this point in my life, it is in honoring my body’s desires, and following what feels good, that I have found freedom from this harmful worldview. Coming of age in a culture that told me my own impulses were sinful left me unsure of what I really liked or who I was; left me unable to hear my own inner wisdom.

Now I know that my body carries wisdom beyond my imagination.

Now I know that pleasure is good (yes, that feels radical to say).

Now I look back on my teenage self, furiously writing page after page, wishing the shame would bring me freedom, and I love her. I see what she was taught, and how she was lied to, and I want to fight for her. I ask if she knows who I am. I tell her that we have made it through, that her desires are good and holy.

That she is good, and can never be defiled.

Parents are in Crisis

Just this week, the surgeon general wrote an article in the New York Times claiming that parents are “at their wits’ end.” A recent study showed that “48% of parents say most days their stress is completely overwhelming, compared with 26% of other adults who report the same.”

Parents are burned out, exhausted, and lonely.

As a parent, I have to agree.

For the parents reading this today – how are you? No really, how are you? Yes, I know you’re tired, and I juggling too many responsibilities. But – is it all too much? Are you drowning? Do you feel all alone?

Honestly, I would put myself in that category of overwhelmingly stressed out. This summer has been tough in our house, as our oldest has dealt with four rounds of strep throat since June. When one of our kids is sick, or school is closed, or our toddler doesn’t sleep through the night, it’s hard to cope with the demands of the day. I try to stay grounded, to be a peaceful presence in the face of my kids’ big emotions, but often, it’s just too much.

I volley back and forth between the mom-guilt when I’m not the kind of parent I want to be, and resentment that I have these two little beings dependent on me for so much. Yes, parenting is a gift and a joy – and, it’s really hard, often lonely work.

I share this in order to shine a light on the truth of the Surgeon General’s warning: parents are struggling. Yes, with exhaustion and money stress and all the other normal parenting struggles – but also withnavigating the constant presence of screens and technology, a general sense of fear – especially of gun violence, continuing effects of a global pandemic, witnessing a genocide, what feels like an explosive political landscape, underpaid teachers doing their best for our kids who need more attention in school…the list goes on.

Does this resonate with you? If so, you’re not alone. The loneliness of parenting is real, even though I have an incredible spouse to navigate all this with. Some days, it just feels like too much.

I appreciate in his article that Dr. Murthy acknowledged the need for policy changes to provide better support for parents. This is a culture-wide issue, not the failure of individual parents who are taking on too much.

As a church community, I wonder what our role is in this crisis.

And when I think of the people who make parenting a little bit more bearable for me, it’s the people in our church. It’s the people who offer to come babysit our kids so we can have a date night. It’s the other moms I see on Wednesday mornings at Rebel Women Bible study, sharing the unsolvable concerns and pains and joys. I think of friends from church who watched another family’s toddler while they were in the process of moving, so her mom could have a few hours to unpack boxes. I think of an 8th grader in our church who approached the many trusted adults in her life – adults she knows from church – to ask them about their career paths, and for advice on what to study in high school.

Church is far from perfect – even our own beloved congregation. And yet, what I keep coming back to is that church offers a kind of community life that is unlike any other. Here, you can show up just as you are, with crying kids or lonely hearts or barking dogs. No, church is not perfect – but it’s a vehicle through which so many of us have found support, especially in parenting.

I wonder what support you have found through this church home. I wonder if there are parents you know who are searching for an imperfect – but joyful – community of parents and non-parents navigating this world together.

As Christians, community is what we do. Belonging is what we seek. Our church community is rooted in the love and witness of Christ who offered belonging to all who sought it.

And to the lonely, burned out, at-their-wits’-end parents reading this: I see you. God sees you. You are not alone.

If you truly are drowning, I know that that’s not enough. “You are not alone” – that doesn’t cut through the fog of resentment/exhaustion/grief/joy/ It doesn’t make a difference when every minute lasts an hour and your kids are head-butting you and trying to touch each other’s penises and throwing the toilet paper roll down the hallways instead of going to bed (which is all currently happening as I type this).

That’s the truth that I wrestle with every day – it seems that nothing is enough, that the well of need in each of my kids is bottomless, and the well of need in me is bottomless, too.

And yet, we keep going. We keep trying to see each other, keep trying to carry some of the load for each other.

I just wish we existed in a society that was designed for communal support, so that living life together – raising our kids together – wasn’t so counter-cultural.

We have to try so hard to form that community, have to put ourselves out there over and over again – asking for help way more than we want to.

Dear parents, I hope that when you ask for help, there is someone there to answer you. And I hope that when they offer to carry some of the load, you let them.

if i did not have kids

If i did not have kids
I would move to europe for the autumn
cultivate a moody alter ego who sits at cafes alone 
drinking champagne and slurping oysters
every afternoon at four

If i did not have kids i would
ride the train up the east coast
and watch the trees and towns go by
and read poems
one at a time

If i did not have kids i would be 
a writer with a desk of my own in a house of my own
with lemon walls and a wide window 
I would take a trip to the north of england in december
just to swim in the freezing sea 
once 
and warm up by a woodfire stove in a cottage
far away

If i did not have kids 
I would flirt at bars 
with cute waiters

I would sleep till nine 
the weight of the comforter making a cozy pocket
for my soft body

I would spend all my money on clothes

I would walk through museums slowly
stopping at each masterpiece
dragging my feet

If i did not have kids i would have a career
I would travel for work and stay in crisp white beds
drink lobby coffee
sit at hotel bars late at night then slide my plastic key into the slot
hear the soft click 
push down
and enter my room
a room of my own

As it is

My almost two year old is sitting next to me as i type
making sounds, pulling off his socks and saying “cock”
his diaper is full; i can smell it 
(plus he said “boop”)

he wants me to read him the rooster book 
again
I want to daydream
I want 
I want 
I want

his brown eyes, his soft lashes, his round cheeks
his wet lips
he’s wearing his pink helmet
sparkly orange tutu

saying “mommy”
looking at me 

If i did not have kids i would long
for them

I want what i want

Mary, womb of the Word

Mary, womb of the Word

womb of the world

womb of danger rebellion –

of yes when no is much safer

cocoon-catacomb of small growing glowing life

imperceptible and

huge

from no life to new life

from nothing comes the Way the Truth the Life the

Word with see-through skin

the Word a tiny body that needs

the sac of waters to breathe to

eat to excrete

that pregnancy – already

the most dangerous mysterious wild thing was

made more mysterious more wild

by the very presence of godde incarnate

flesh against flesh inside organs

muscles bone hormones

skin to skin

skin to sacred skin

sacred skin to sacred skin

and the baby smelled his way

to her

knew her

already the very flesh of god.

A True/Painful List of Things I am Grateful For Today

“Have an attitude of gratitude.” It’s hard to think of a saying I hate more.

The instruction to find things to be grateful for feels half-hearted. We often use it as a way to minimize our suffering. When we’re going through something terrible, no matter how dark it feels inside, we often say – “but I should be grateful for what I have.” In my experience, the command to “be grateful” is a tool we use to distract us from the complex, often painful true emotions we’re processing.

So I made this list today, on Thanksgiving in 2020. It’s a list of things I’m grateful for, and a recognition that those things don’t fix any of my sadness. The two – gratitude and grief – can exist at the same time.

1. I am grateful for my first marriage. It was full of pain, and hurt, and so much longing in the dark hours of the night. It was also full of jokes and good beer and homemade pizza nights and hope. It’s been five years since the day I walked out, and the feeling that I did something wrong, that I failed, is still tucked into a corner of my heart. The rest of my heart is grateful that I listened to my body, which was leading me to wholeness and health, away from that marriage. I’m grateful that we had a big beautiful winter wedding in the church where I was baptized, that hundreds of our friends came to celebrate, that my grandparents were there. I’m grateful I got to wear an expensive white gown and a cathedral length veil and that our friend played the organ and that we used the lectionary texts for that weekend, Christmas I – in the beginning was the Word; and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. Somehow that text spoke to me then about beginnings and endings, and it still does. I’m grateful that my first marriage ended. I’m grateful that the pain of that ending has been the shit-pile of compost that has nurtured my life for five years since.

2. I am grateful to be carrying our second child, to feel him move frantically inside me, pushing pushing, already running and living his own life. I am grateful that this pregnancy has been the absolute opposite of what I expected. I’ve been disappointed most of this pregnancy – disappointed that my friends can’t feel the baby move inside of me because we’re all still separated; disappointed that I can’t travel to my hometown, take this baby to Kansas City, my birthplace, before he’s born; disappointed to not be having a daughter. When you’re pregnant you’re supposed to say – “boy or girl, I just want a healthy baby!” But that’s not what I want. I have always pictured myself having a daughter, and the day I found out we were having another boy, the disappointment that had been hovering around my shoulders the whole pregnancy settled right into the space behind my eyes, the space behind my heart. I feel less connected to this baby than I think I’m supposed to. But that’s real, and I know other mothers must feel that too.

I’m grateful that my body knows what to do – knows how to create a cave of growth and nutrients and warmth for this new life. I’m grateful for my body, even though this pregnancy I’ve felt less connected to the miracle of womanhood and more angry that my body is changing without my permission. I feel more like a machine just doing its job, giving everything it has to this new person who has already disappointed me. It’s hard to say those things, but they’re true, so I’m grateful to say them.

3. I am grateful to live in San Diego. I will never get used to the sight of the ocean in the distance as I drive up that one hill on my way to work. I am grateful that my son always asks “go ocean now?” and wants to “dip feet” in the water. I’m grateful that he cries when we leave the water, wants to be near it. This makes me grateful that I grew up as far from the ocean as possible, close to fields of prairie grass and muddy rivers and farmland. I’m grateful that I grew up with ice storms that would cut the electricity out for a week, force us to huddle together in the living room and light candles and walk through quiet, dark streets covered in snow. I grew up with summer thunderstorms heralded by a never-ending chorus of cicadas, that I would find the carcasses of cicadas in the backyard and collect them. I’m grateful I grew up with fireflies. I long for my child to grow up with those experiences, too. His childhood is so different from mine. This fills me with longing and grief, which live right alongside the gratitude for eternal sunshine and accessible beaches.

4. I am grateful for my addiction to Instagram, because it reveals to me my brokenness, my loneliness in real and tangible ways. As I scroll past endless content, my heart is trying to tell me that it needs something, needs soothing and comforting. It’s true that I often don’t give it the soothing comfort that it needs – usually I just spend an hour scrolling, looking for something that will fill me up. But even when I fall into the void of Instagram, a part of me knows that it is an opportunity to listen to my deeper self – the self that needs quiet, and space, and lit candles and art making and quality time with friends. Even if I don’t give my inner self what it needs, I’m at least grateful that it’s speaking up.

5. I am grateful for my work, for my role in the community of my church. I’m grateful for those moments when I wonder – what is the point of all of this? Does any of this – this writing sermons, this setting up chairs on Sundays, this effort to nurture healthy community, this to-do list that never ends – does any of it matter? Does the gospel matter? I’m grateful for those moments of doubt, because they are real.

6. I am grateful for the park near our house. I am grateful for it because it is located right off the 805, a super busy highway that’s constantly moving, constantly loud. Taking my child to our neighborhood park and feeling frustrated that it’s right off a busy highway has helped me wake up to some of the privilege I have lived with my whole life, and for that awakening, I’m grateful. I always lived far away from any busy roads, was always safe in our neighborhoods, didn’t have to hear the roar of traffic while I played for hours on the swing set. It wasn’t until we bought a house we could afford, close to a busy highway, that I realized that was an unrecognized privilege I’d lived with. I’m grateful that my son couldn’t care less that his swing set is right next to the highway; he just wants to swing and swing for hours.

7. I am grateful for my friends all over the world. And, I can hardly stand the sadness of realizing that I haven’t seen many of my closest friends in five, even ten years. I feel pangs of guilt and shame when I realized it’s been over a year since we talked. I’m grateful for those feelings of missing them, because it means that our connections are still real, still part of me. I’m endlessly sad that we have lived whole lives apart from each other, that we don’t know each other’s daily lives the way we used to. I wish we could share our lives the way we did in high school, in college, when we lived together.

8. I am grateful to be a parent. I’m grateful that it comes naturally to me in some ways, and that in others ways I totally suck at it. In the moments when my two-year-old wants me to play with him and I’d rather do anything else, I’m grateful for the simultaneous feelings of frustration and love. I’m grateful for the times (every day) when he throws things just because he knows he’s not supposed to; I’m grateful for the anger that rises up in me as I wonder – why can’t he act exactly like I want him to? Those are the moments when he is doing the necessary work of becoming his own person, and I have to do the work of being my own full self, and let him be his own full self. These moments are painful and I’m also grateful for them.

That’s the list for now. What are you really, truly grateful for? Does the gratitude cover up the grief? Or might they exist alongside each other?

Read Matthew With Me

How much experience do you have with reading the Bible?

Whether you are very familiar with the Bible, or if it’s totally new to you, here is a way to jump into scripture today.

This Easter season, read the Gospel according to Matthew with me and St. Andrew’s by-the-Sea!

To join us, sign up for weekly emails here.

This week, we are reading Matthew 1:1 – 6:18.

Here is a podcast you can subscribe to – each day you can listen to a section of the book and a reflection about that reading. Each episode is less than ten minutes! It’s an easy way to follow along with this journey through scripture. You can also find this podcast in the Podcast app or wherever you listen to podcasts – just search “The Good Book Club.”

Want to join me?

What is Holy Week?

Next week is Holy Week!

You may wonder, what does that mean?

The three days leading up to Easter day are the holiest days in the church year. Holy Week is an invitation to each of us – an invitation to walk alongside Jesus, an invitation to immerse ourselves in God’s story of loving the world.

This week, to get ready, watch this video that tells the story of Holy Week and Easter.

Then, use this prompt to journal, or to start a conversation with someone:

What do you already know about Jesus’ journey during Holy Week? How might God surprise you this Holy Week? What parts of the Holy Week story might ring differently this year?

Get ready to celebrate Holy Week at home this year! Click the button below for a booklet with resources to observe Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Easter Vigil at home.